A day in the life of...

The young have something no one else has or ever will have. Time.

It's true. We are smart, beautiful and...alcoholic.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

"I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal"

V is currently on some kind of schoolies/toolies trip up on the northern beaches and seems to be having a fun time 'having sex on the roof with an 11 out of 10 girl' if his facebook statuses are anything to go by. A couldn't care less. She's playing Girls Gone Wild with J with the pair of them laughing manicly and running around the city topless. J refuses to answer the calls of either Motley Crue and Wow who both want to date her. What happened to casual sex? Don't these guys know J at all? Clearly not.

Post exams A and J love cutting loose, and they usually manage to just as good of a job as arrogant good-looking guys like V. It doesn't matter that they were hardly in class, they deserve a break dammit! J is usually found practically having sex against cliub walls or on movie theatre floors and this has been no exception. A few teenage girls got a little more than they baragined for when they went to see an afternoon session of I Don't Know How She Does It. No, we don't know how J does it either. J did actually return to the movies for real later with L for The Inbetweeners movie which is of course, an instant classic. It's just a pity B doesn't hang with us anymore, she loved all the British TV. Meanwhile A is trying to track down her flirty neighbour footballer who she hasn't seen since he dropped his pants in front of her and asked for sex. A turned him down that time but after an unsatisfying night with a guy who left lipstick and hairspray all over her pillow she decided she needed a real man. And who better than a footy star? Pity he's nowhere to be found, except on the occasions he says hey to G. Perhaps he is avoiding A?

M and E are back on better terms after M took herself off on an unapproved holiday. They're back to being the pin-up couple and looking sickingly cute everywhere they go. M awkwardly bumped into her ex co-worker by the photocopy machine the other day and he suggested they catch up over lunch one day. M doesn't want to admit she already has a new boyfriend. time for a new job perhaps? The internet nerd gag is getting a bit boring of late, and she's been talking about going back to school to study dance and/or teaching. Now it the time.

Monday, November 28, 2011

"Now who the hell are you, to act the way you do?"

L finally managed to catch up with the mysterious H for the first time in months even though they are still supposedly best friends. B and K managed to crash the dinner even though L was not responsible for inviting them. She wanted to see H and not the toxic twins but apparently they're all a package deal. Whoever thought that day would come? Who would ever expect H to remain friends with B and K and not A and J? But that's that now.

L couldn't believe how much H has changed. It has been a few months where their only contact has been a few blah text messages but it's hard for L to face the fact that her best friends is absolutely nothing like the person she was a year ago.

H has moved out to the suburbs with her boyfriend secret admirer. H was not the sort of person who could ever live in the suburbs (she, like all of us, was a city girl through and through. however we could explain away K and B and perhaps L moving to the 'burbs) and she was certainly not the sort of person who would ever sign a 2-year lease. H used to move house about once every 6 months and never lived with friends. She used to make new friends by moving house and always had entertaining housemates like the anal Miss Priss and a few potheads who never left their rooms. H liked change. Now she's about a stonethrow away from getting married and popping out a few kids suburban style. H used to have a fear of committment to rival A's and hated kids (and the concept of marriage) with a passion. She liked change. Clearly, not anymore.

She also told L she was now working as a forklift driver. Although it supposedly pays well it's such a typical suburban job. Not to mention L can't picture her on a contruction sight surrounded by old fat dudes. Sex shops of bartending, those jobs suited H. She's changed completely though. L can't believe that's what H wants to do since she now apparently has no other ambitions. Gone are her band days, now she doesn't even listen to music or go to gigs.

The last straw was when H refused a glass of wine with her dinner. Apparently she doesn't drink anymore. Disapproval showed all over her now conservative face (no punk make-up or hair for H now) when L didn'y cancel her wine. It's not like L to be on the receiving end of such a look and it made her feel terrible.

L feels like she doesn't know H anymore. How can she, when her best friend is burried inside a shell of her former self? Everything L ever loved about her is gone and replaced by a watered-down, cookie-cutter suburban almost-wife.

Monday, November 21, 2011

"All my life I wanted to be somebody and here I am"

Samantha Jones was right. The weekend is for meeting new guys. What was I thinking?

J usually spends her weekends on the prowl for someone new, although lately Wow has been making it a bit difficult for her by refusing to let her talk to other guys and making her hit on everything that moves come Thursday nights in pubs. Then last weekend she was supposed to hang out with her earnstwhile boyfriend Motely Crue who sha has been on/off sleeping with for the last month or so. Officially he's dating some chick from the suburbs but J doesn't care. He's got good fingers. However Motley decided to stand her up. No call to say he'd be late or not coming. No text. He just didn't show up. It's something he's done before, being an unreliable drunk/stoner but usually he sends J a bailing text. She was not pleased by his behaviour. She was pissed off and met up with Druggie out at a club but Druggie was already wasted and J was too pissed off to have a good time so she ended up coming home angrier and alone. What a waste of a Saturday night.

So he yells at me for one stupid 2am dinner date when he's screwing girls in club toilets!

A and G went out for drinks together, along with L, since they hadn't done any outside socialising since they moved in together. G was smashed and chatting to the bartender about her chest tattoo and said bartender thought she was hitting on her which lead to G awkwardly admitting she was straight and also in a relationship where she doesn't cheat. L was sick after one too many beers and A was chatting up all the smokers in the search for a free pack of cigarettes. She got hungry, as usual and went on a 2am curry run with a guy with a tongue piercing and they ended up making out in restaurants all over the city. V found out and pulled his jealous pathetic ranting. Never mind he is sleeping with half the club skanks in this city, and most of its public enough that everyone knows. A is now officially referring to V as 'just another notch on my bedpost' in order to piss him off. Well, that and it's the truth.

I will never be one of those girls who ditches it all for a boy, can't he just get over himself?

Much to E's disapproval, M headed off on a weekend beach road trip with a few of her geeky tech wizz friends. E was pretty unhappy about it because he wanted her to hang out with him all weekend. To which M pointed out he'd probably just be playing computer games and ignoring her anyway. He got in a funk. M didn't care and went skydiving and surfing with her friends. Photos emerged of her throwing up on the beach after a few too many drinking games and E lost his shit and started yellinga t her and accusing her of cheating. Um, when did he get so jealous and possessive? Maybe there's a reason all his prior girlfriends have been such freaks. Can't he just get it together?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

"Safe forever"

What we're not doing: anything to do with Twilight/Breaking Dawn/Bella and Edward's wedding/other assorted awfulness.

What we are doing: beating the crap out of dreadlocked boys in mosh pits. It's not a fun night unless you come home with a few bruises. Then again, that's not exactly news is it?

Exams are over and the post-exam party period begins. Forget an apocalypse this is the end of life as we know it. Beer and white wine on steamy afternoons followed by tequila shots and manic dancing in pubs followed by rock gigs and after parties where the vodka is flowing freely. Freedom tastes good doesn't it?

J is busy avoiding Wow but she just can't escape Motley Crue that easily and they keep ending up in bed. Or more likely, the local alley.

L is found throwing up in bathroom stalls. Girl cannot handle her Carlton Draught.

A is fighting with V and throwing punchs at any guy fool enough to whip off his shirt in a mosh pit until they're slippery and sweaty. Even a slut singlet gives you something to hold on to.

M and E are creepy coupley and indoors playing the new COD. Actually, that may be why we haven't seen Wow this week...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

"I'm not in love but I'm gonna fuck you, 'til someone better comes along"

Hearing rumours about our (gay, slutty) colleagues giving blow jobs in the fitting room makes us wonder what we're doing wrong.

Black-out nights compete with projectile vomitting, hamburger breakfasts and waking up next to total douchbags who quote Fat Pizza make us wonder what we're doing right.

J found herself getting cock-blocked yet again by Wow even though she tried to avoid him and get back her skull ring that was stolen by the glam guy she slept with last week. Wow continued to follow her around and make sure she didn't have a chance to talk to any other guys. She ended up taking him to the park, as is her style. He got awkward and nervous and apparently had a small penis. Basically everything J hates in a one night stand. Wow apologised and told her 'next time' they'd go to a hotel. Um...there isn't going to BE a next time!

M left E at home for a night out with A. A convinced her to dance to Bon Jovi, the only rock band M likes. They decided on a fair night, with half at a place of A's choosing and then half at a place of M's choosing. They ended up at a hip hop club where they bumped into V, who A carefully ignored. V seemed fine with that at first but then seemed to get drunker and pissed off and started yelling at A across the room that she was a slut and a shitty girlfriend. Uh, V? A is NOT your girlfriend and grow up.

M and A left to go to another late night bar. Later that night G spotted V entering a strip club. When she told A, her housemate just laughed. Guess he needed someone else to dream about...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

"Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe..."

M and E have become that nauseating couple that everybody loves to hate. They giggle at in-jokes when the topic of conversation changes, have irritatingly cute PDAs in playgrounds and have even come up with such vomit-inducing nicknames that can't even be repeated here. It's so sweet you need a tooth removed.

M even confessed to A and J that the sex she's having with E is the best ever. In fact, she mentioned E is the first guy she's ever had an orgasm with. J was particularly horrified by this news as she makes it her business to make sure she's having just as good a time as the guy she's having sex with. Let's hope she doesn't have a drunken encounter with co-worker where she accuses him of being bad in bed. It's been known to happen. Then again, A gets particularly upset when she hears about guys that don't return the favour when it comes to oral sex. Maybe she'll be attacking co-worker. If H was still around, she'd definitely make a comment. She used to feel very strongly about guys having tattoos that let you know whether or not they were unselfish in bed. Which makes you get pleasant shivers when you think about how skilled accidental date must be...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

"We dance like fucking animals"

Exam season? Spring Carnival!

There's something amusing about watching everyone else get all dressed up in fancy dresses and fascinators and heels only to spend the entire day getting roaring drunk and wasting money and ending up lying in the gutter somewhere. It's what we do every week.

A headed off to the races with work friends and then dragged them out afterwoods for more champagne and dancing. She was a terrible influence on them both, with one of her friends making out with two guys and almost having sex against the wall with one of them before going home with another. Unfortunately she left her watch and earrings behind. Her other friend was passing tonsilitis around with her tongue. A was scoring free drinks off every 'winner' she could find and groping every guy dancing with a girl just to piss them off. She'd already seen her old engaged mate Hottie at the races where they had an awkward conversation. He went to kiss her and she asked if he was still engaged and he said yes. She said 'pity' and started flirting with other hot guys in suits.

J was all dressed up to get high in the sun with Druggie. Unfortunately she brought her boyfriend along. He's nice enough in a rocknroll kind of way, he's just slightly psychotic and usually strung out. He and Druggie have full on physical fights on acid and scare the shit out of all of us. They have a weirdly intense relationship that makes A and V look healthy. The two of them sat baked in the sun until they were literally baked bright red and sunburnt and had to go home for aloe vera spray. J stayed with a few uni mates she'd bumped into, trying to score Zara discounts as well as more pot. She ended up getting wasted later that night with C and P. P woke up in bed with 3 guys and couldn't recall having sex but apparently he did. C woke up covered in pizza. J woke up in a bizzare house in a strange suburb in bed with a guy who wasn't the one she'd slept with. He'd vanished.

And yes, there was definitely walking home heels in hand.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

What we're doing this month...

Loving: online shopping for cheap bikinis
Listening to: Marilyn Manson
Crushing on: Ryan Gosling
Worshipping: mega-talented Amy Winehouse...RIP
Eating: fried pork dumplings
Drinking: mango flavoured vodka blended with ice and real mango...
Rocking: leather pants
Reading: Old trashy Jackie Collins novels
Failing: to get excited about horse racing