A day in the life of...

The young have something no one else has or ever will have. Time.

It's true. We are smart, beautiful and...alcoholic.

Monday, October 31, 2011

"Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up as a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it"

Happy Halloween folks!

We're supposed to be studying for exams but shoosh because we'd much rather cover ourselves in green paint and drink tequila then cosy up with anatomy diagrams and hot chocolate. Even though the weather is definitely hot chocolate worthy at the moment.

The scariest news of the week has to be that M and E have officially hooked up. Not totally out-of-the-blue but unexpected nonetheless. Co-worker apparently hasn't heard the news and M is anxious to keep it that way. It really is a pity they work together and have so many mutual friends. J doesn't seem to pleased with the whole relationship development, wondering how it's going to affect everyone's friendships. It's hard not to be happy for them though. M is E's first girlfriend who isn't a raving, jealous lunatic. Maybe he's finally maturing. Maybe there's going to be trouble in their futures.

Saturday night was their official couple debut. Hard not to be when they were dressed in full vampire get-up as Spike and Drusilla from Buffy. A had found herself a gorgeous vintage lace dress that she managed to destroy as part of her zombie costume. J donned the cougar uniform of leopard print leoptard and ears and tail. The tail got stolen by a random 'playful' hot guy of course. The joke was on him though, because the fur tail eas covered in something damp and sticky...

L was supposed to come along but bailed at the last minute to hang out with her ex secret admirer. Fair enough they're doing the friend thing, but ditching long-standing Halloween plans with a group to hang out with one guy...where there's smoke there's fire.

J foolishly hooked up with Wow again after getting stoned with Druggie on a balcony. She didn't have sex with him though and is now accusing him of cock-blocking her. Maybe messing with Wow is starting to mess with her...At least she'd getting a few free drinks out of the whole thing. Pity Wow keeps calling her on Monday mornings. Not that she's answering the calls of course. Druggie thought she saw Motley Crue hanging around but it may have been an optical illusion and it may be because she was too stoned.

A is pretty sure her whole night was an optical illusion. She remembers nothing until she woke up in bed covered in bright red fake blood. She had a momentary panic attack when she thought it was actual blood and was relieved to discover it was fake...until she realised that shit doesn't wash off. Photos have since surfaced of her laughing and acting manic with randoms as well as competing in costume contests and stealing hats.

M and E weren't around for too long and disappeared home on their own. Well, that was according to C who was smoking by the pool table. According to M they were both there until 4am and hanging out with A. Of course A's memory is a black hole and she can't confirm their story.

Monday, October 24, 2011

"She's got the looks that kill"

The nice weather in Melbourne only ever lasts a day. Today it's pissing down rain and we're sipping Earl Grey like the classy fuckers we are. Goes even better with chocolate chip mini-muffins baked by a newly domestic G.

At least yesterday was nice enough to head off to the beach and prepare our pre-summer tan. Let's be honest, tans are hot because they make you look healthy and fake tans make you look orange and that is not healthy. We'll probably all be getting chunks of skin cut out of our bodies in a few years but we try not to burn. The rest of the weekend was spent thrashing and moshing at numerous 'classic rock' gigs along with 'stoner sludge' opening acts. After that plenty of absinthe was spilled when we were trying to pour our own shots on the way to our favourite bars and clubs.

Naturally Wow showed up. J's one-time hook-up is now promoting at every vaguely rock or alternative club and was everywhere over the weekend trying to get people to complete some survey. A drunken A scrawled 'Carlton Draught' on one and continued her usual bitch persona to Wow by picking arguments and insulting his haircut and his plan to join the army. J of course was busy flirting with him and messing with him because that's what she does. They bumped into Druggie who commented that Wow was looking more and more obsessed with J every time she sees them. J just laughed. She's still hanging out and sleeping with Motley Crue although of course nothing is official. At least he is now willing to spend a bit of money on her rather than back when they were dating and J was buying all the drinks. Probably he feels guilty for basically ditching her for the ex and making her pay for him when they were going out. A and Druggie ended up leaving around 5am to sleep and head off to work by 10 while J and Wow were hanging out in the park with one of his bartender friends. At first J wanted to have sex with him but after remembering he was a shit kisser she had a massive park panic attack and threw herself into a cab yelling 'Step on it' and getting home as the sun was coming up.

M was supposed to come out but ended up staying home. J is pretty sure she was hanging out with E, but she (nor he) will admit it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

"Relationships have been on the decline ever since women came out of the cave, looked around and said, 'this isn't so bad.'"

I read somewhere the other day that this generation is redefining relationships between men and women. And not just in the obvious way, that is that people are now having more sex with more people in more places more often. No, it was more about the way this generation is redefining gender roles and therefore the relationships between the sexes, including friendships.

Back in our parents' day everyone knew where they stood. The men were outside with their beers and their BBQs, the women were inside gossiping about the neighbours and making salads and sweets and keeping an eye on the more eratic kids. These days you're just as likely to see the girls outside bowling cricket balls and sculling beer while the health-conscious boys are inside with their pink shirts and their sparkling wine. Girls dress like boys, boys dress like girls and everyone listens to the same music. Women are becoming politicians and lawyers, men are becomign teachers and nurses. Women call men asking them on dates, pay their own bills and make the first move when it comes to sex.

It's all very confusing really.

But because we've all become the same somewhere along the line men and women are much more likely to be friends. Sure past generations had cross-gender friendships. They hung out with their partner's friends and hung out in mixed groups to match up their single pals. There wasn't the one-on-one male/female friendships we see today.

Of course, some people still struggle to be 'just friends' with the opposite sex. While J has plenty of gay friends she doesn't have many straight male friends. This is probably because she's looking for a potential lay everytime she meets someone and all of her 'friendships' end up laden with sexual tension until it becomes awkward for everyone. Just look at S and Bossman.

A has been good friends with C for years and they are pretty much the dream friendship. Lots of booze, lots of stupid antics, lots of gossip and no sex whatsoever.

That used to be M and E. They were the kind of friends that could hang out and have fun in coffee shops, in music stores, in pubs, in pool halls, in the park, watching TV and everything in between. They could call each other for anything ranging from failing a test to love life issues and a housing crisis. Now everything has changed. Now things are awkward and they aren't answering each other's phone calls and their friendship is practically in the loo. One kiss really can change everything.

Let's hope they can get over it and more forward.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."

It seems the inevitable has happened. M has broken up with her short-lived boyfriend co-worker.

Now, as always when a relationship ends, all the truths start to come out.

A: "I didn't like him that much anyway. He always seemed a bit stuck-up."
J: "That's probably because everytime you two met you were wasted and trying to hug him and he thought you were a freak. Honestly though M, he was a bit boring."
A: "You mean he didn't fuck you in the park on a rug he conveniently had in his car?"
L: " Well, I never met him but he did seem uneccessarily clingy with all those text messages."
C: "Yes, and he stood you up at that awards night. After that, well...I had my doubts."
L: "To be honest, we all had our doubts."
C: "I thought you never met him?"
A and J: "The point is you should never sleep with someone you work with."

And that really, is the lesson that should have been learned before. It's never good to have sex with someone you work with. It seems like such a good idea at the time because they're always there and it's convenient and the stress and irritation of work just adds to the attraction. But once things go sour, as they always do, they're always there and there's no escape from them or all the other gossipy co-workers placing bets on who's going to break down first.

Luckily M had a smart idea and got transferred to another section of the company right before the dumping.

Now she can just move right on to E. Except M isn't so sure she wants to do that. She doesn't support jumping from one relationship to the next and has always had doubts about relationships that begin from one person cheating on someone else. After all, if the trust isn't good at the start, how does it get any better? Still, one wonders how she can manage to keep her friendship with E going if she breaks up with co-worker and still doesn't get with him.

Monday, October 17, 2011

"Pour some sugar on me"

One should never invite J to a child's birthday party. It will never, ever end well. Not even if you force her into a clown suit, but that's a story for another time.

Last weekend was the birthday of A's baby brother, who isn't exactly a baby anymore. Still, many of his friends are yet to reach 18 and despite their age range are mostly around 5 years younger than us. They were never going to win any drinking contests with A (or her father) but they gave it their best shot...and paid dearly.

Dumbass showed up rocking a new tattoo- if that's the right word for a drunken mistake consisting of one of his mates' names on his upper arm. He brought along a slab of beer for himself and spent most of the night alternating between smoking with J and flirting with all the young females. He didn't score, but then he was always planning to speed dial one of the lady friends he regularly booty calls. Considering he's balding way before the age of 25, Dumbass goes alright. His lady of the night (although not a lady of the night) was a leggy blonde you could swear you'd seen on the side of a bus modeling some pricey underwear.

M came bringing flavoured vodka (perfect choice for the kiddies M!) and no man in tow. No boyfriend co-worker and no recent guilty hook-up E. Apparently she hasn't spoken to either of them all week. M's a perfect drinking buddy for the kids, because she can't hold her liquor. She was climbing up trees, laughing hysterically, posing for photos with people she didn't know, stealing party people's hats and throwing cake in everyone's face. She and a very drunk birthday boy took a series of 'pimp' photos and took a pizza to offer to late night workers hopping off the train.

A was being responsible and dishing out punch and taking control of the music. Which meant Def Leppard was on the playlist and A and a few of her brother's friends were running around the streets stealing underwear and socks from someone's washing line and wearing them on her head. She then took a few of them to the playground for whiskey shots and running down slides. Unfortunately a few couldn't handle it and took ill, spending the rest of the evening throwing up in buckets or on the ground. One guy nearly got hit by a train when he was running for some bushes to pass out in.

Maybe A should have been keeping a better watch on J. J promised she'd keep it in her pants, but that's one promise she can't keep once the tequila comes out. She was flirting most of the night, but was planning on catching up with occasional boyfriend occasional fuck buddy Motley Crue later on. However a conversation on classic rock with one of the 17-year-olds got her more than a little interested and when A had her back turned to ear mudcake the pair started making out. A was shocked and apalled when turning around but managed to hide the hook-up from the rest of the partygoers and hissed at J that she take her 'leopard print dressed cougar ass home'. J laughed and told A to relax and have a drink. A did so and J snuck off to the park with the young boy. All the local parks are, of course, where J takes all of her conquests. However J may have underestimated just how young the boy was and how...ahem, inexperienced this meant he was. She got home feeling disappointed and unsatisfied and realising that when you're partying with boys of a certain age, the park may not be where you want to end your night and there is not enough tequila in the world to wipe the awkward memory out.

At least we all know what the boys will be gossiping about at school tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

"When we were good, you just close your eyes. So when we are bad, we'll scar your minds"

It's a sunny afternoon in Melbourne and everyone is sitting around drinking strawberry iced tea and discussing heavy political questions on asylum seekers, the economy and why education and health care should be free. Or you know, not. Capitalist bastards. If only our pesto-and-cheese pizzas weren't burnt.

M is getting bored of being the social butterfly in her relationship. It's not a label she's used to. M's hardly a homebody and has plenty of friends, but she's always enjoyed the odd night in and frequently chooses bubble baths over nights dancing to 50 Cent or thrashing to classic rock bands. She's been known to skip work functions because she's too tired and can't be bothered despite spending months shopping for an approriate dress and matching shoes. But compared to her boyfriend co-worker, M is out all night every night. She should have known that would happen. She met him at work and she works in IT for crying out loud! But she really didn't expect him to be so boring. Not boring in the sense that he can't hold a conversation or isn't interesting, just boring in the sense that he never wants to drink or hang out in pubs, clubs, concerts or house parties. When she had to attend several work functions alone M started feeling a little resentful and irritated. She really likes co-worker but maybe they just aren't as compatible as she once thought. Instead M has been hanging out with her buddy E heaps. E was ignoring her during his last relationship with a train wreck girl (he likes 'projects') but M dragged him out of it and figures they should be spending as much time together as they can before he finds himself a new girlfriend to work on.

They've been having a lot of fun together and not just in the typical drunk dancing-around-poles kind of way although there has been plenty of that. They'be been going to movies and hanging out in coffee shops and smoking cheeky cigarettes (and sometimes weed) near children's playgrounds and eating cheap pizzas and dressing up in weird costumes and taking photos all over the city. Except not planking. That's was so lame even before it became 'cool'.

Then what was perhaps the inevitable happened. E and M were hanging out at his place, playing some ancient playstation game (anyone remember Crash Bandicoot?) and eating popcorn and M&Ms. Ane E kissed her. Let's just say it wasn't a friendly kiss. It was a let's-take-this-further-and-preferably-right-now kiss. M pulled back, apologised and promptly left. E rang her to awkwardly apologise but also to confess he's become quite attracted to her and M is exactly the kind of girl he wants to be with. That it, relatively normal and not the kind who cuts him off from everyone and throws screaming tantrums if he doesn't call every night before bed.

M has no idea what to do. She likes E a lot as a friend and enjoyed their kiss way more than she should have, but she's committed to co-worker and feels terribly guilty about what has happened. She's never cheated before and doesn't want to be that type of person. She doesn't even really know if she wants to be with co-worker, but she doesn't want to choose between two guys- she wants to choose for herself.

There's never a good time to tell a friend you're falling hopelessly in love with them.

Oh, and J's ditched the married guy with the psycho wife to get back into a pattern with Motely Crue.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

"I'm a little bit shy. A bit strange and a little bit manic"

It was the calm before the storm. A deceivingly quiet week. We were busy helping our guy friends deal with their unrequited love issues (boys can be so clueless), gossiping about J's ex Motley Crue's new haircut- that is, the no hair shave which makes his nose look massive- and listening to the bands part of the Big Day Out/Soundwave/Falls/other assorted music festival line-ups. Drinks were casual pina coladas with relatively low alcohol content. Jeans were so tight they required zippers to get them over our feet. Even L was making an appearence, enjoying short study breaks with beer. But G and A's house is just never that quiet.

Someone's always knocking on their door at 3am. This week it was neighbour footballer who was getting so rowdy and rude A had to let him in before someone called the cops. He then promptly took off his pants and told A it was time to fuck. Clearly he was on something. A lost sleep trying to get his pants back on and copped an eyefull that the gossip mags would pay good money for. She finally got rid of him but can't help but get more attracted to him the more of an asshole he acts. It probably doesn't help that pictures have been surfacing on facebook of V and a particularly attractive blonde who is so clearly not A who's rocking green hair these days.

J started getting abusive calls from someone who claimed she was fucking her husband. No doubt the jealous wife of J's older married lover. She can't deal with that kind of baggage which lead her right back to Motley Crue's arms. A one-night-stand later and she remembered why they're no longer together. He's dumb, unambitious, suburban, acts like a little kid...and now bald.

J and A dragged out a boyfriendless M and a Burberry suit wearing C for a night on the down. C showed why there's so many suspicions he bats for the other team when he kissed a guy and felt him up through tight red jeans. It was M's idea though- the guy was with E's evil ex and M wanted any opportunity to upset her. It was set up to a night of questioning sexuality and and androgyny. J shagged a glam rocker on her new shag rug. Glam rocker's hair was bigger than Jon Bon Jovi's on his best day and was wearing more make-up than was seen on the Brownlow medal blue carpet. However J needed someone who was nothing like her married square or bald Motely Crue- this guy had a genital piercing and fit the bill perfectly. A and M set many a man's tongue wagging with tequila body shots and dancing together on the bar- until M's boring boyfriend showed up and had a fit and she had to go home. A then dodged the other lesbians to hook up with a cute guy in a suit- because what law student can resist a guy who fills out a 3-piece so perfectly? No we will not grab somebody sexy and tell them hey but when Guns N' Roses' Nightrain comes on shit will go down and the cops will show up. Yeah, it's so fun getting kicked out of slubs and your alcohol taken away. Then you realise you can buy cheap wine and hang out with your new friends in the park like you used to do in high school. Except with more sex and better clothes.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

What we're doing this month...

Loving: drinking three cups of coffee before 9am
Listening to: The new Blink 182 album, loving Heart's All Gone
Crushing on: guys with eyebrow and lip piercings
Worshipping: Tom DeLonge and Mark Hoppus
Eating: mini meat pies
Drinking: Cement Mixer shots; baileys and lime cordial
Rocking: short in the front long at the back 'mullet' dresses- sexy from the front, classy from the back.
Reading: Slash by...um, Slash
Failing: to let go of the footy season