"Today you're just some bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's wedding dress"

"I'm in a relationship and I'm not having sex! This is my worst nightmare!" - J

It's been awhile...it's a busy time of year. Between mid-semester exams, ANZAC Day, partying like it's 1999 and just being ourselves there hasn't been a lot of free time or Dan Murphy's runs. Which may be why the liqour cabinets are looking suspiciously empty and forcing everyone to shot down Jamacian rum.

J's had a busy few weeks pursuing a...relationship. Let's call him Justin, thanks to his obsession with the supposedly sixteen pop sensation Justin Beiber. Yeah, it's odd when a twenty-something girl is into his music. A twenty something guy? Questions have to be asked. They met at a club, typical for J, and started making out, typical for J. That's when things decided to get less-than-typical. She's invited him to Thursday night drinks the last two weeks. The consensus: He's cute. J is going to break his heart. Justin is just too much of a nice guy. He wants to take things slow because it didn't work out with his last girlfriend. He wants cuddles and movies and long conversations. J just wants sex. She's spent the night at his house, in his bed, twice but they haven't done anything more than kiss. Not due to J's lack of effort, Justin just wants to take things 'slow.' J is starting to get impatient. Last week out clubbing with K and some uni friends she bumped into her old almost-fuck-buddy Y, and they ended up hooking up. That is until J fell over due to a freshly cleaned floor (someone threw up, no one we know!) and instead of helping her up Y just walked away! It made J appreciate Justin, who would certainly never leave her in a heap on the floor. Y is an arsehole. Still, just because she appreciates Justin doesn't mean J wants to be with him. When he last night introduced her to his friends as his 'girlfriend' and they responded "Oh, you must be J" she got a little weirded out. After all, they still aren't having sex. J doesn't want a relationship she wants a fuck buddy. Justin better be willing to put out soon or...let's just say it's easy to feel sorry for him.

K and B are in what you may call a twin bitchfight. It all started when K found out that everyone's been hanging out with E lately. She really doesn't deserve to be pissed off since it's been ages since they broke up and it's not like anyone's forcing her to hang out with him. Still, for whatever reason she decided to blame it on B even though it's not her fault at all. K finally told R to get the fuck out of their house. Although he's been living with them since the beginning of the year he's been keeping his distance lately, probably afraid H will abuse him and kick him out again. Anyway R decided to move in with T, K and B's sister. There really is no escaping him although K is doing a very good job. B has been hanging around with T and R a lot, going to the football and music concerts with them rather than everyone else. She still sees R more often than say J or L. Basically B cracked the shits at K telling her it wasn't up to her to kick R out. This led to several screaming matches about who's in charge and what who's allowed to do and so on. Now K refuses to go out with B in a social setting. It probably didn't help when B started mocking her and telling everyone how she failed her driver's test when everyone knows how much K wants to drive.

Speaking of driving, L just got her licence and hasn't been drinking since designating herself the deignated driver. Poor form L. She also had a job interview at a prestigious law firm and was really excited until she learned said job would be making presentations to rooms of 150 elderly people...in Italian. SHe'll probably still take the job, which should fit in nicely to her already bloated timetable of uni, volunteer work and boozing it up.

H has just moved house, yet again. It's kind of unfortunate because her old house was awesome and really big, but unfortunately too expensive. Her new place is this tiny little apartment in a good (way better) location but it just doesn't have the size that her old place did so we can't all crash there which means way more money spent on cabs. Plus, H's old roomate was this eccentric pothead who was a bit of a recluse but everything he said was extremely amusing. H's new roomate is this really uptight girl who wears her hair in a really tight frenchbraid. Probably a cliche but she's still annoying. One wonders how H could possibly last...

A hasn't had many 'experiences' of late. Between suddenly working extra shifts because the store she works in has been demoted to a clearance store and exams and chem labs every weekend she's getting frantic keeping up, though slightly less broke. Always seen around the booze though A has become obsessed with asking randoms whether they like Guns N Roses and abusing the crap out of them if they say no. She also physically assaulted a guy who had the nerve to suggest she looked Canadian when trying to hit on her. She also bumped into uni-guy and tried to say hi but he turned and ran in the other direction. What is going on there?

"We gonna sip bacardi like it's your birthday"

The weekend began with a blur of screaming football supporters, downing shots of bacardi at warehouse parties and racing around the city to wish M a happy birthday. The weekend ended with a large pile of homework: law cases, chemistry spectrums and a shitload of Spanish vocabulary.

It was a reflection of the week to come.

L and A spent several days knee-deep in law cases, trying to write their mid-semester exams at 3am and write up their moot submissions (mooting is like a mock legal battle apparently) at the same time. A lot of coffee and no sleep later they ended up in front of a judge with overly-articulate opponents spouting law/cases/facts they didn't understand and covering concepts they hadn't anticpated. It was an 'oh fuck' moment for both of them while they tried to scramble enough words together to make a comprehensible sentence that wouldn't get them laughed out of court. In the end they managed to get their shit together and kick-arse. It's always an advantage to be able to think on your feet and lie through your teeth with a smile. Despite the other teams being 'lawyers' from their tight ties to their wanker shoes, A and L were the ones who ended up on top. Guess the sleepless nights were worth it.

J is at war with her Spanish tutor who thinks she's useless, dumb and doesn't apply hereself. The last is probably true. J takes Spanish because of the hot guys and the socialisation, not to learn her fourth language (English, French and Italian). The funny thing is she's getting great marks which is probably what's pissing her tutor off more than anything else. No teacher likes the kids who sit up the back making sarcastic remarks only to top the class on the exam.

H keeps seeing uni-guy on the bus. Okay, it's been twice, but still. He's been completely barring H, going as far as to pointedly turn his head away when she waved. H is insulted. After attending his party she'd thought they'd gone from pretend friends to actual friends. Well, acquaintances anyway. But apparently he's deleted her off facebook. In the modern-age that's like saying 'have a nice life'. If she sees him again and pretends not to know her...well, it's H. Anything could happen.

Last night J and B headed out for dinner, drinks and dancing. Oh and men. But that doesn't start with 'd'. There is anothber word I could have used...Anyway they had an surprisngly good time considering they haven't been getting along that well lately. Actually B has been out of everyone's loop. She bailed on the football. She bailed on M's birthday. She didn't even show up Thursday night drinks. It's suspected she's been hanging around with R, but she wouldn't admit that to people who are sick of hearing his name. Someone on the dancefloor was wearing a backpack, which pissed off J and made her wish A was there to get rid of him. Someone threw a plate of dumplings at B. She ate them.

Tonight K's holding a dinner party. Beef wellington (inspired by MasterChef no doubt), us and R. It should be fun, so long as R doesn't say anything at all.

"Drunk and being sick, I feel like shit"

Last weekend was a bit of a quiet one with everyone somehow working double shifts saturday and sunday. Of course 'quiet' means A and L were scaring other friends with how much they can drink (and the fact that they can drink straight anything straight out of a glass...who needs shots when you can just have a glass of vodka?) and J and B were texting/calling everyone in their contacts list for a laugh (including Y who was none too pleased...but maybe that was because K called him). Even still, it was decided this weekend's festivities would start on a Thursday. Which they always do.

H was pissed off at being out of the loop having lost invitations to both and footy and M's birthday, and missing out on all the gossip about J's new potential fuck fuddy. Well, she wants a fuck buddy. He wants a relationship. J was pissed because she missed out on The Strokes tickets. K couldn't come because she's been banned for life from Thursday nights everywhere. L has her licence test today so she wasn't there either. E and C came instead. After a few two many shots...ahem glasses, of vodka we were dancing and laughing and making a general nuisance of ourselves. A group of guys who couldn't be out of high school started hitting on A and J and neither were two pleased. H and C convinced them to piss off but one particularly eager one continued to put the moves on J. She thought why not, hooked up with hom, recoiled and yelled 'you kiss like a baby! how old are you?'. That gfot rid of them. Another guy started annoying A with his vigorous dancing. Everyone tried to stop her (especially C) but she couldn't take it and ended up driving a punch straight into his nose. After that everyone got kicked out and went for pizza. Unfortunately the pizza was off or something. B threw up mere minutes later and today E is complaining of food-poisoning. Trust us: not alcohol related. It's been years since pure alcohol has caused any of us to throw up. It's only the combination of bad food and bad booze, which is how J ended up with a souvlaki vomit patch on her carpet.

*****

Meanwhile we're wishing we lived in the US or UK for the following reasons
Lollapalooza: Green Day, The Strokes, Lady Gaga, AFI, Cypress Hill and SO many more
The Warped Tour: Sum 41, Pennywise, Antiflag, Motion City Soundtrack, All-American Rejects, Dropkick Murphys...
The Reading Festival: Queens of the Stone Age, Blink 182, NOFX, Arcade Fire, The Libertines, Modest Mouse, Paramore, All Time Low, The Klaxons, Guns n Roses...

WE have what, 'Supafest' which isn't even a cool name!!

"Buy my own diamonds, and pay my own bills"

Today we got an invitation to a birthday party. Actually, we didn't all get one but that isn't really the point. The invitation required an RSVP and a 'plus 1'. The first response: what the hell is a plus one? Then we realised that it meant, in fact a boyfriend (or shock horror, a husband). Were we all supposed to be coupled up by this point? Are we supposed to have a date to everything we do? When did this happen? What happened to the days when it was relatively abnormal to be in a committed relationship and even more abnormal to take said partner along to every activity you were invloved in (save for boys' nights and girls' nights)? Wasn't it only a couple of years ago that virtually everyone was single? Did we somehow all miss something? Where were we when everyone became I couple? Why am I writing so many rhetorical questions?

The truth is we aren't the relationship kind. We're singletons and we like it that way. We aren't out pursuing relationships. We could be, but that's not the point we're at in our lives. We're all about big nights out and flirting with and making out with random guys. We're all about excessive alcohol consumption and waking up in a stranger's car. We don't want to feel like we're tied to someone or worse, responsible to someone. We're independent and free. We make our own money and buy our own drinks (well...sometimes, there's usually a man offering) and do our own thing. And we've never been made to feel like this is strange or frowned upon...until now.

After the whole 'plus one' debacle we were out having drinks when a guy, midway through hitting on J, actually asked her how she could possibly still be single. Any guy who actually asks that to a girl is a complete moron. How can they not know it's inapproriate to ask this? We hate this. It's such a bullshit question and the reason is never because guys don't like us. It's because we want to be single. It's starting to feel like everyone around us is pairing up and it's suddenly the 'in' thing to have a partner and start thinking of settling down. It's scary to think we've come to that age. Because we sure as hell aren't ready to settle down, even if others are.

J is a player. She has been pretty much forever, since she a boy-crazy teenager. There's no way she's settling for just one guy. Why have one when you can have them all? J can't commit. She's never been in a serious relationship (actually, never been in a relaionship at all) and never done monogamy. Her attention span is way too short. She gets bored of everything else and men are not immune. J is certainly not short on male attention, nor does she lack an exciting sex life. She hates the stereotype (don't we all) that single women are ugly, dumb, boring, don't have sex or are just missing something in life. J thinks she has it all. And she has had a lot.

H is quite similar to J. With her short attention span and ever-changing mind, it's hard to fathom her with just one guy. H gets bored of jobs, uni courses, suburbs...everything. She moves houses and changes jobs usually more than once a year. The only stable thing in her life is us, her best friends. And she likes it that way. H has flings. Sometimes she'll even get to a month with a guy but then she finds herself in bed with someone else and realises she's just not ready to settle. She has so much time to do that, why start now?

A is sort of committment-phobic. She freaks out if she hooks up with a guy a few times and hates excessive phone calls. She often refuses to give out her number, not because she doesn't want to be disappointed but because she geniunely doesn't want a call. Even when she is furiously on with V, nothing stops her from hooking up with other guys. The only person with any power over A is A herself. A refuses to answer to anyone. V has never been her boyfriend. A doesn't want a boyfriend and shudders at the thought of monogamy and committment.

L's claim is that she just hasn't found the right guy. This is probably true. She sure has tried on a lot though. L's a busy bee and doesn't have a lot of time for a guy. There have been many who have tried to coax her into a relationship but for L it just hasn't felt right. L is a perfectionist and doesn't like to waste time. The first guy she commits to is probably the one she'll marry. Not that L ever thinks about marriage. She's very ambitious. She wants to be a career woman, not a wife.

The reason B isn't in a relationship is that she's still hung up on R. Before R, B was very much like J. She lived for the thrill of the chase and got bored as soon as the guy was 'caught'. She's changed though. Now she just wants R. Though she won't admit it, she wants to marry R. She wants kids and a house in the 'burbs and the whole shebang. R doesn't appear to want her though, so she's stuck where she is for now.

As for K? Well, she has a new 'boyfriend' every week, but they never seem to last long. She'll stalk them and she'll claim to be in love with them and she'll tell everyone it's forever but then he'll freak out and leave. There are times you look at K and wonder if there's anyone more desperate for a permanent 'plus one' than she is. Then again, it's plausible she just loves the thrill of the beginning of the relationship and telling everyone about her new guy and showing him off and then wants to start all over again. She's always devestated after her frequent break-ups but not for long. Two days later she'll be with the new love of her life.

"Face down in the dirt she says this doesn't hurt, she says, I've finally had enough"

It's been a interesting week for K. She's been blacklisted for life at one of our regular hangouts (bitchy bouncers and promoters mean we won't be heading there ever again- we stand on principle even if K is crazy), lost a job, got a new job and has broken up with her short-lived not-really boyfriend end-of-the-train-line.

End-of-the-train-line turned out to be an even bigger arsehole than originally thought. While him and K were 'playfighting' he somehow managed to get her in a headlock and bind her hands. K escaped and slapped him, albeit not very hard. He responded by losing control completely screaming at her and threatening to dump her as well as saying if she ever pissed him off again he'd punch her and it would be all her fault. Let's just put it on record that there is nothing amusing about domestic violence (or violence against women) and we don't condone it in any way. That said, K is a prime target for an abusive relationship. She's desperate and can convince herself a guy is right for her despite flaws in his personality.

But she also has great friends. After telling J about what happened J decided if K wasn't going to take action someone else would. She A, H and L took off to the last stop on the train line and told the arsehole that he was no longer welcome in K's life and that he might think he can intimidate her but not all of us. End-of-the-train-line is not a tough guy.

At first K wasn't too pleased with us and went to go apologise to end-of-the-train-line in secret. A day later though she changed her mind and told him it was over on the phone. He didn't even seem to care. He was probably only in it for the sex.

And to think K bought his mother flowers.

"Being just friends doesn't have to mean settling for something less"*

I recently read somewhere that guy friends are basically boyfriends that didn't work out, and that it's hard to have a guy friend when you're in a committed relationship. It got us thinking about our guy friends and where they came from.

C...C started off as A's gay best friend, which is sort of odd because he isn't actually gay. But he is one of those gay straight guys and sometimes it's hard to tell. A actually thought he was gay for ages and felt really bad when she found out the truth, but needless to say there were no romantic feelings on her behalf. C is a sweetheart (which might be the reason A was never attracted to him) but he had a girlfriend when he met A and hasn't been interested in her since they broke up. They are both very upfront people. A introduced C to everyone else about a year ago and he gets along with everyone very well but none of them too well. He hasn't slept with anyone, and while there has been mild flirting it doesn't seem likely anything will ever come of it. A true 'friend' and certainly not a rejected potential husband or whatever.

P...P is J's gay best friend and so clearly there isn't any attraction coming from him or going to him. P is always up for a good time and is insanely flirty, but it's never going to go anywhere with us. He has an actual boyfriend at the moment and they've been together for several months, which is diffferent as he's usually the play-the-field type. Either way, he won't be making his way into any of our beds and hasn't yet.

E...E is technically K's ex-boyfriend. Okay, there's no technically about it. He used to hang around with us all the time during the year they were together, along with his friend who happened to be seeing another friend of ours at the time. We no longer see her. There was another couple of their single mates. We all used to hang out in a big group and had a lot of fun together. The problem is, E never really loved K. He stayed with her because he knew she'd be upset if he broke up with her, and also because he didn't want to create trouble in our friendship circle. K was really into him and never saw that he wasn't really into her. It was obvious to everyone else. He didn't like to spend time alone, never bought her anything and would forget occasions like her birthday. Eventually they broke up and our group split up virtually into guys and girls. However E and H were really close and they still are. It's been nearly three years since they split up but K completely hates him. We try to spend time with E when K's not around and don't tell her about it. B, H, M and E used to go to the movies every month. I'm not sure if it counts that E is an ex turned friend. K is not friends with him. The rest of us have never slept with him or considered it.

Y...We all used to hang out with Y(and his mates) heaps. We met him through friends at a club and K pursued an unsuccessful relationship with his friend. B also hooked up with another of his friends but never took it any further. After we'd known him for a few months he and J made out and J wanted to take things further. For whatever reason, the two of them never crossed that line. There was always something: not enough alcohol, too much alcohol, an hour walk home, early classes, beach holidays...Eventually J came to the conclusion that he didn't want to sleep with her and we don't really see any of them anymore which is a shame because we all made a good group. So I suppose that's a friendship that came out of failed romance (K and B) but was also ruined by it...(J)

R...B's ex-boyfriend. It hasn't been conclusively decided whether he's actually anyone's friend(actually we kinda hate him), although we do see him more often than some of our actual friends, probably because he lives with B and K. Before the break-up we all got along quite well. H, especially who shared a taste in music with R. Post break-up we all kept our distance a bit because we didn't know what B would want. As the situation unfolds, R is acting more and more like an arsehole and B is tripping over herself to win him back. If he were a friend, R would definately be born out of a relationship that didn't work out. But the truth is, he isn't really anyone's friend. Maybe one day he will be, but the way things are? No way.

S...S works with J and P sometimes, although that's not in fact how we met him. S knows lots of dudes in bands and we know lots of dudes in bands (especially H, who happens to know some bona fide rock stars) and somehow we were introduced. We ended up playing the what the fuck drinking game (where everyone has a 'fuck' name, sings along and anyone who stuffs up has to drink) which meant friends for life. There has always been chemistry between J and S, and they've never really known what to do with it. They have kissed, although nothing more. J has slept with his best mate and S tried to convince A to sleep with him to get J back. We didn't see S for awhile when he was pissed off at J, then they had a nice stale 'friend zone' thing going and now it's at this awkwards will-they-or-won't-they-stage. We didn't technically become friends from a failure of anything but the chemistry between him and J is too hard to ignore. They won't end up together, but the attraction is there.

So looking at that, it's probably around 50/50. Sure some of our best guy pals come out of someone's failed relationship, but there are plenty of girl mates who do to. We met M through a guy she used to date that we knew, and now she hangs with us a lot. Certainly all our guy friends aren't our friends because there was attraction or chemistry at some point. Sometimes friends are just friends. And that's usually where you get the best friendships from because you're not settling for less, you're not hanging out because 'something more' didn't work out, the friendship is that something more. At the end of the day, if you're just settling because it didn't work out or if someone's trying to pursue something more...well, you aren't really friends are you?

*I honestly can't be bothered saying which movie/tv show/song I get all my titles from. If you want to know email me at frenchtoastandfailure@gmail.com

"Hanging out behind the club at the weekend, acting stupid getting drunk with my best friends" Blink 182- The Rock Show

Ah, Easter Break. The whole entire week off from university, if not work. Time to go shopping for the new handgabs we need to sneak booze into clubs, time to catch up with old friends over coffee and cheap pizzas. Time to return to committed exercise regimes and catch up on all our favourite TV shows (can you guess that Skins is one?). Yeah, time off is good. Not to mention that Easter weekend is always a 4-day bender for those of us without religious tendancies, that being all of us except L. It had to be bacon and eggs and pancakes on Monday morning.

Thursday

SO much alcohol: skittles vodka, chocolate vodka, tequila...in shots, in mixed drinks, in everything

It had been a long week. We were all struggling to get through it with the mid-semester slump and all. After pre-pre-drinks A, J, B, K, L and H rocked up to their local pub. It was packed so they collected a tray of drinks each, leaving a table with at least thirty glasses on it and lots of 'looks' from other patrons. Oh well. The place was full of peole we knew, including people we went to school with and Vand X . It had been awhile since we'd seen X. Apparently he'd been in Asia for a few months. It hadn't cured his fashion problems though, he still thought tracksuit pants were acceptable in public. L was quick to try and flirt with X, only to be dragged away by H who didn't want her to make a full of herself. A dared B to throw a punch at V but when she didn't, decided to go threaten him herself. No doubt he woke up with a bruise on his shoulder the next morning. J spend an hour chatting to a guy she didn't even speak to in school, insisting The Clash were the superior 'punk' band. K was hitting on the bartender (yet again, and doesn't she have a boyfriend?) trying to score free drinks. It was worth it for the free beer. L stole jewellery off some random chick she'd never met, lucky she didn't get caught. H started prank calling everyone in the pub and laughing when they answered but wasn't exactly happy when she was caught by the old high school weirdo who recognised her voice and actually wanted to chat. That was the cue to leave. Three clubs later we were danced out, drunk out and K had almost hooked up with a guy not her boyfriend. L hurried home to prepare for Good Friday while everyone else woke up on H's lawn with a slow-returning memory.

Friday

Started with jello-shots, ended with jagerbombs.

Sure it was Good Friday but we're always ready to indulge ourselves. After fish and chips for dinner (who sends we aren't good god-fearing citizens?) A, J, H, B, K and N had a few drinks at B and K's before hitting the clubs. It was all going well until T and R showed up to say happy easter and drop off some chocolates. All of a sudden B was fawning all over R. She didn't want to smoke because R doesn't approve, and didn't want to drink too much because R doesn't approve. She put her hair down (it had previously been in a really great updo) so he couldn't see her new earpiercing. She'd suddenly turned as nervous and quiet as a mouse. When everyone else decided it was time to hit the clubs B decided she was going to stay with R and T instead. Then she dropped the bombshell: she was leaving the next day to go to Adelaide with R and T for the rest of the weekend. As you may have noticed, A, J, K, B, H and L are a very close group of friends. Never more so than Easter weekend where we commit ourselves to going out every night with each other(except L who has a religious weekend). Why? It's what we do. Friendship is the most important thing in our lives. To have B ditch us was...to say we were pissed off was an understatment. Leaving in an angry flurry everyone else picked up the drinking pace and ended up in a night that no one would remember, or would want to. When you start getting strange calls from guys you don't recall you know it's been a big night. Friday was a big night.

Saturday

Without B, everyone was feeling a little down and not like they should spend the night together. A and G had a night sitting outside drinking wine and gossiping. K spent the night with end-of-the-train-line and his family, and ended up taking their relationship to the next level. J went out with P, spending a lot of time bitching about S who has trurned into even more of a wanker than he previously was. Apparently he has found the 'love of his life' a week ago and won't shut up about it and generally acting like even more of a private school pretentious twat then he already was. H went out with some work friends who turned out to be lightweights and was disappointed when she spent most of the night holding a friend's hair while they threw up in the garden. Who knows what B was up to? No doubt throwing herself at R who wouldn't notice and would care even less.

Sunday

J and K went out together to a club they love but everyone else has vowed never to go to again due to the high percentage of sleazy guys and the low percentage of alcohol in the drinks. J caught up with an old guy she used to sleep with (vampire, guess why) but then found someone new and cute to fill her with drinks and carry an actual conversation rather than just try to feel her up. He turned out to be nice and interesting and J didn't sleep with him which means she really likes him. Unfortunately K was left to her own devices. Trying to avoid cheating, she called end-of-the-train-line but he didn't want to talk to her. Not a good sign. She then tried B, but she wouldn't answer her phone. Not a good sign. H attended a house party with her flatmate and it turned out to be quite good. Who knew someone who seemes so seemingly antisocial could have such cool friends? She even found a guy she liked which is rare for H. A hung out with G and her friends which resulted in a few nude runs around the streets before A passed out in a pile of corn chips.

Monday

It was supposed to be recovery day but when A, J, K, and H met up to discuss the events of the weekend someone broke out a bottle of bacardi. Soon it was empty and they were moving on to cheaper and harsher and not neccessarily alcohol. They woke up with no memories, a guy who couldn't speak English and a pair of twin sisters who'd had so much plastic surgery they looked like dolls. Turns out they go to K's uni and also make porn movies on the side.

Now it's time to watch the first season of Skins. For the hundredth time.

What we're doing this month...

Loving: bagging the hell out of WAGs and Lara Bingle in particular
Listening to: Grinspoon
Crushing on: Damon from The Vampire Diaries
Worshipping: our favourite AFL football players (Dayne Beams, Scott Pendlebury, Shaun Higgins and Buddy Franklin are popular)
Eating: blueberry pancakes
Drinking: morning coffees spiked with kahlua and/or baileys
Rocking: cardigans so old they're falling apart
Reading: The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets' Nest
Failing: to quit smoking